Jokes

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Jokes

Postby Keith Legge » 19 Jun 2013, 11:53

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered..... It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery... When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . .. .' Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'


A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' she replied... 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.' 'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'
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Re: Jokes

Postby Andi Archer » 22 Jun 2013, 14:49

Hello, & Welcome To The Psychiatric Hotline...

1. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

2. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

3. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, 6.

4. If you are paranoid-delusionaL, I know who you are & what you want. Just stay on the line until I can trace the call.



A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat.

The Doctor explained to the man that as ducks age their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the animal to pick up it's food.

"What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it'll drown."

The man goes about his business and about a week later the Doctor runs into his patient.

"Well, how is that duck of yours?" the Doctor inquires.

"He's dead." declared the heartbroken man.

"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn't he?" insisted the Doctor.

"No." lamented the man. "I think he was dead before I took him out of the vice
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Re: Jokes

Postby Cammy ST11 » 22 Jun 2013, 15:10

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took

her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

'I think so. Provided those wankers at Jewsons deliver the fucking bricks on time.' :shock:
Today as all days...
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Re: Jokes

Postby Baldeagle » 22 Jun 2013, 16:26

Nice one,Cammy. :bravo2:
Held me right to the end. :roflmao:

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Re: Jokes

Postby PeterPan » 24 Jun 2013, 22:24

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to xxxx your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
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Re: Jokes

Postby Keith Legge » 26 Jun 2013, 10:04

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find
her husband in bed with a young, lovely lass.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her
with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came
about.
Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered
her
a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the
roast you had forgotten about in the fridge.
Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't
wear
because they were out of style.
She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater that you never wore
even once because the color didn't suit you.
Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit
into anymore.
Then, as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is
there
anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' And so, here we
are...................
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Re: Jokes

Postby Andi Archer » 28 Jun 2013, 15:29

For several years, a very wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay Her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support Until the child turned 21.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born...
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and Write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child Support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce
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Re: Jokes

Postby Forest 1100 » 28 Jun 2013, 20:04

The Arrogance of Authority



A DEA (Drug Enforcement Agency) officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there . . .", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government of the United States of America with me!"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.


"See this fucking badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish . . . On any land! No questions asked or answers given! Have I made myself clear? . . . Do you understand?"

The rancher then nodded politely, apologized and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.



With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.











"Your badge! Show him your fucking BADGE . . . !"
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Re: Jokes

Postby Andi Archer » 01 Jul 2013, 09:25

A pregnant lady got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,

she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)

what he had to say for himself.

The man replied,

'Well your Honor, it was like this:

when the lady got on the bus,

I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said,

'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,

'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,

'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time

and sat under a sign that said,

'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'


... I just lost it.'
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Re: Jokes

Postby Pieter Huizinga » 01 Jul 2013, 09:57

A few Jewish jokes that I got from today's Wall Street Journal (in a letter from a rabbi):

Moses comes down Mount Sinai with God's commandments. "The good news, I've kept it down to ten. The bad news, adultery stays in."

A Jew reads in his prayer book: "Thou hast chosen us from among the nations." He sighs "What have You got against Jews?"

God will provide. I just wish He would provide until He provides.

Husband to wife: "When one of us dies, I'm going to move to the Land of Israel."

Borrower to creditor: "May you grow so rich that your widow's second husband won't have to work for a living."

A Jew meets a friend who has been badly beaten up. "Who did it?" "A German." "What for?" "I forgot to ask him."

A Jewish widow who wishes to move up into gentile society orders a martini, but the waiter accidentally spills it in her lap. "Oy vey!" she cries - "whatever that means."
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